jessy and i are the masters of this.  it’s not the best way to go about doing things.  but when hurting people has become such a predictable by-product, however unintentional, sometimes it’s the easiest and safest way out.  

i know what i want.  where i want to be.  what i want in a partner.  i’ve known for years.   there are fleeting moments when i question the attainability of my expectations and desires.  the outcome of those moments is usually a tolerance and endurance of something that will never satiate me for any long standing period of time.  a settling, of sorts.  until i get slapped in the face with the imagery of my happiness being sucked down a drain and into a cesspool of murk.  what follows is a whirlwind of sabotage.  then, after the dust clears, and you stand in amazement looking across the vast plane that is my existence, the end result bears a resemblance nothing short of the tornado that shadows the tasmanian devil.  with eyes wide open i realize, my wants and expectations aren’t what’s flawed.  it’s the execution that repeatedly eludes me.

 maybe i’ll have better luck throwing the pieces that are the puzzle of my life up in the air, and hoping they’ll randomly fall neatly into place resembling something close to the picture i have painted in my head.

i very rarely ever see or speak to my closest friends…life just gets in the way…..

but those closest friends know they could ask me for anything and i would jump mountains and rivers to make it happen

i dream of getting away to somewhere tropical….

my daughter is my life…

for the first time in my life i’m tolerating and settling and have no clue why…

i love pajamas…

when somebody tells me i can’t do something it makes me want to do it more…just because i don’t like being told what to do…

i would much rather spend time the time with my daughter that i never got to spend with my parents than worry about making more money and getting ahead in my career…

there was one point last summer where i had a lawn mullet…that would be the situation where one mows in the front…and not the back…

i get tired of hearing people tell me they’re broke…yet they carry purses that cost as much as my monthly mortgage payment…

i love to cook and entertain…but anything i do is very rarely healthy

i’m still scared of the dark…

i still dream of romance and wish for my prince charming…even though i don’t think it will ever happen…

i can say the alphabet backwards…fast…

i’m one of the most honest people you will ever meet and will do anything i can to talk a situation through rather than avoid it or be deceitful.  however…sad but true, if i know i’ve been lied to i have no qualms about lying in return.  that person has lost my trust and i’m no longer concerned with losing theirs.

the way you treat me and talk to me is way more important than anything you could possibly buy me.

i very rarely get bored…and am pretty much content doing anything

i have a bad habit of hanging up the phone…if you’re lucky enough to get me on it…without saying good bye

it’s monday…and i’m tired…and it stormed all night…and i’m not getting my car back until the end of the month…and it’s going to be a long weekend…fun…but long…lots of debauchery in NOLA…

i’m getting through all the chaos…slowly but surely…and realizing there are some things i just can’t fix.  but a trip to the gym helped get my mind off of things for a while…and i’m sure getting to see the kiddos in austin this weekend will as well…and then to new orleans for st patricks day!!

 i’m sure i’ll have my car back by then, but i’m not driving…

So let’s just quickly sum up my week….

 yep…that about sums it up…last week sucked…

just a while ago i received an email from my daughter’s school.  it was about one of the students in her class.  a girl she’s played with every day of school for almost 3 years now. my daughter kept coming home saying she didn’t get to play with her because her hip hurt.  but couldn’t tell me any more than that.  i figured maybe she had been in an accident.  no.  the little girl has cancer.  six years old and she has a cancer that started as a tumor in her hip and has now spread to her liver and her lungs.  a cancer that will be treated by 21 day rounds of chemo for the next year.  

it’s a love/hate relationship…with being single that is…i hate feeling like i’m never going to settle down or that i can’t just get the attention i’m looking for on a whim…but i love the feeling that i don’t have to answer to anybody or that nobody is going to hurt me if i don’t open up to anybody…i can be selfish if i choose to do so…anybody i’ve gone out with for more than a month weeks will tell you, i’m the most giving, considerate and understanding person you will ever date.  it’s just in my nature to want to please people and make them happy in any way i can.  the thing is though, that i lose the desire to be that individual when i feel like people take mefor granted or don’t appreciate it.  once that happens i turn into the “i’m going to do whatever i want, whenever i want, and there’s nothing you can say about it” person.  and them i’m single once again.  it’s a viscious cycle really.  one that seems as if the centripital force is great enough to pin me against a wall…you know, as if i was lucky enough to have one around to stop me from feeling like i was hurdling into the universe so far i could never come back.  one that i would love to end.    but alas…there seems to be no end in sight.

so i haven’t been able to run for a few weeks…there was a broken bone in the ball of my foot.  i got that all taken care of…my personal opinion is that it’s from wearing high heels…but anyway…i wa all hyped that i was going to start running again on sunday…i took it easy…3-4 miles…and everything seemed fine…nothing hurting…until later that night…and now i fear that i might have some sort of fracture in my heel…ugh…i should probably go to the doctor…because i can’t hardly walk, let alone run…

This morning i saw somebody in a car being given a ticket by a mounted police officer…for some reason i thought it was the funniest thing in the world to see an officer on a horse giving a ticket to a person in a car…laughed my ass off

i couldn’t stay gone for long…things would happen and i laughed as i thought to myself “that would be funny to blog about”…and then jessy  sent me a link…it was all over after that…and i have so much going on in my head right now i can’t think straight…maybe it will all just have to come out in bits and pieces.