jessy and i are the masters of this.  it’s not the best way to go about doing things.  but when hurting people has become such a predictable by-product, however unintentional, sometimes it’s the easiest and safest way out.  

i know what i want.  where i want to be.  what i want in a partner.  i’ve known for years.   there are fleeting moments when i question the attainability of my expectations and desires.  the outcome of those moments is usually a tolerance and endurance of something that will never satiate me for any long standing period of time.  a settling, of sorts.  until i get slapped in the face with the imagery of my happiness being sucked down a drain and into a cesspool of murk.  what follows is a whirlwind of sabotage.  then, after the dust clears, and you stand in amazement looking across the vast plane that is my existence, the end result bears a resemblance nothing short of the tornado that shadows the tasmanian devil.  with eyes wide open i realize, my wants and expectations aren’t what’s flawed.  it’s the execution that repeatedly eludes me.

 maybe i’ll have better luck throwing the pieces that are the puzzle of my life up in the air, and hoping they’ll randomly fall neatly into place resembling something close to the picture i have painted in my head.