jessy and i are the masters of this.  it’s not the best way to go about doing things.  but when hurting people has become such a predictable by-product, however unintentional, sometimes it’s the easiest and safest way out.  

i know what i want.  where i want to be.  what i want in a partner.  i’ve known for years.   there are fleeting moments when i question the attainability of my expectations and desires.  the outcome of those moments is usually a tolerance and endurance of something that will never satiate me for any long standing period of time.  a settling, of sorts.  until i get slapped in the face with the imagery of my happiness being sucked down a drain and into a cesspool of murk.  what follows is a whirlwind of sabotage.  then, after the dust clears, and you stand in amazement looking across the vast plane that is my existence, the end result bears a resemblance nothing short of the tornado that shadows the tasmanian devil.  with eyes wide open i realize, my wants and expectations aren’t what’s flawed.  it’s the execution that repeatedly eludes me.

 maybe i’ll have better luck throwing the pieces that are the puzzle of my life up in the air, and hoping they’ll randomly fall neatly into place resembling something close to the picture i have painted in my head.

it’s monday…and i’m tired…and it stormed all night…and i’m not getting my car back until the end of the month…and it’s going to be a long weekend…fun…but long…lots of debauchery in NOLA…

i’m getting through all the chaos…slowly but surely…and realizing there are some things i just can’t fix.  but a trip to the gym helped get my mind off of things for a while…and i’m sure getting to see the kiddos in austin this weekend will as well…and then to new orleans for st patricks day!!

 i’m sure i’ll have my car back by then, but i’m not driving…

just a while ago i received an email from my daughter’s school.  it was about one of the students in her class.  a girl she’s played with every day of school for almost 3 years now. my daughter kept coming home saying she didn’t get to play with her because her hip hurt.  but couldn’t tell me any more than that.  i figured maybe she had been in an accident.  no.  the little girl has cancer.  six years old and she has a cancer that started as a tumor in her hip and has now spread to her liver and her lungs.  a cancer that will be treated by 21 day rounds of chemo for the next year.